Week 5-6

One of my practices I committed to this semester is giving myself reward once a week. When I planned this practice, I was very excited because I thought I would NOT miss this. I was also thinking it should be more than once!  :P However, after following all my plans in the past weeks, I noticed that giving myself reward was not practiced as many as it should be. I was falling into my past habit- pushing myself- since exams from other classes were coming. Once I realized, the disappointment had followed. And then I started to blame myself, which was not good at all for my body system as well as mind. Although I practiced loving myself during the 5 days in class, making these as habit was difficult. I think I should have quiet time with myself and ask forgiveness like we did in class with a partner.

 

long week--lovingkindness

This week I am benefiting greatly from doing lovingkindness meditation. It is something that I have been in need of.  I have been having some serious roommate problems that have escalated so badly I am at the point that I feel I have lost my best friend and loathe going home.  I have been labeled as "selfish", "a poor excuse for a friend" and "a total moron" by him for reasons that are deep rooted in possessiveness and jealousy.  These words come out in anger and are intended to hurt me, and they do, more than I can even begin to explain in words on a blog... I have been so worn down and exhausted by this conflict that I had even come to believe his words may be right.  I cannot seem to make the situation any better the ways that I have attempted and so I have decided to take a step back.  I will take good care of myself, I will be strong, and most of all I will show lovingkindness to both myself and my roommate.  I do not want to be selfish and I strive to be the best friend that I can be, so I will reevaluate my reality and focus on doing my best.  I am hoping that I will be able to set aside all the pain and view this aspect of my life as a learning experience as opposed to a debilitating predicament.

Catch-up!

I've been so busy and distracted lately with post-grad planning I kept forgetting to blog!  Luckily I'm taking another class with Mark, so he nicely reminded me to get back on it :)

Again, the last few weeks have been extremely stressful and so face-paced, but I've been able to relieve some of the drama in my life with the few exercises I chose to keep up with for this class!  Working out (mostly running) has also been my go-to for stress relief, so even though I've found it hard to find time to fit running in, its worked.  I make sure to run at least 4 times a week, outside or on the treadmill, and I can tell that after each run I'm so much more relaxed and focused to get the rest of my work done.  I have also been going to the 12:15-1:15 yoga class offered every Thursday.  Not only is it getting a little more intense and turning into a good workout, I find it really comforting to know that I have that time set away especially for yoga, relaxation and reflection.  You guys should come if you;re not busy Thursday afternoons!

The exercise “Stop, Drop and Breath” that we did through the module as a class last week has been something that has come in extremely handy for me this past week!  I have a tendency to become overwhelmed and had some experiences that made just that happen.  My roommate Daniel and I are at a strange point, and the fact that I am interested in and seeing another guy has made my living situation almost unbearable… Almost every day this week I benefited from taking a break to lie on the floor and clear my mind.  It was a healing process and I believe strongly that it gave me the ability to handle the situation in a healthier manner and also a chance to really reflect on my own feelings.  Taking these breaks is helping me to understand both the problem and both of our understandings of it on a deeper level and I think they will help me to properly guide myself strategically forward and hopefully minimize this conflict.

Power Nap - Meditation

Who knew there was such thing as a "Power Nap Meditation." I sure didn't... but I do now.  I used this guided meditation yesterday, Feb 20th around 6 PM, before my staff meeting, as a personal reward to myself for getting work done earlier in the day.  I was a little apprehensive about this 45 minute guided meditation, thinking it wouldn't work or concerned I wouldn't wake up in time, but it seemed to work.  It was almost like hypnosis.  The guide gets you to relax and follow her voice.  There is background noise of crashing waves and in and out music.  There is also a buzzing that I observed that occurs after her voice trails off for the first time.  I wasn't sure I ever fell asleep fully or was just laying there listening, but I couldn't recall the middle part of the meditation, so I suppose I was "out" somewhat.  I ended up coming back into waking consciousness right before she ended the guided meditation and prompted that reaction.  I did feel energized and ready to go, which was nice.  I was surprised by the results and interested to use it again in the future to see what results might come. 

I did attempt this meditation again at 1:30 in the morning, with the intention of feeling energized and getting back to work to possibly pull an all-nighter. I completed the meditation, got up and put my laptop away and decided to go back to sleep, instead... so maybe it doesn't always work like that?  It might be my mindset that stopped it from operating in the same manner or perhaps it was the time of day.  Maybe a guided meditation can help with late afternoon sleepiness or lack of motivation but can't really make up for a lack of sleep in the middle of the night? I will be exploring this one again soon; I really enjoyed it.

Dream Work

Two weeks ago, I was feeling rather unmotivated.  I decided to find a guided meditation that would help to foster a more motivated me or at least perhaps point me in the direction of how to get back on that track.  The meditation was one I'd never done before, it was something I'd searched and found on Spotify. 

It was very interesting though because the meditation prompted me to place myself in a poorly lit room, in an old, abandoned home.  I pictured a kind of sepia toned environment with a single window and a single chair.  I can't remember now if the chair was part of it or my own creation - but nonetheless.  It prompted me to picture my goals and my dreams outside the door of the room, however to reach them I would need to leave the room but every time I would approach there would be an obstacle known as "fear."  The guided meditation prompted me to picture this fear as a monster, a person, etc.  At some point however I would be able to push past the fear and reach my goals and regain my motivation.  At the time this meditation seemed slightly silly.  Though I do tend to enjoy guided meditation that prompts imagery and scenario based activities, the concept was kind of strange to sit with.  I felt better after meditating - so I did get something out of it. 

The interesting part about all of this was not that I did this meditation in the morning, but later in that same day when I was sleeping for the night I revisited that room, that place I had visited during my meditation.  It was nightmarish but familiar.  It was almost like I was reliving the guided meditation now without any kind of direction from an outside source.  It was really trippy and super exciting at the same time.  I plan on doing this meditation again, I feel like there's some great potential for insight and some conscious/subconscious overlap.

Free Hugs

One of the preferred practices from class that I plan on implementing to the fullest this semester is hugging it out & saying thank you.  After my off-putting diagnosis from the doctor, knowing now also that I wasn't contagious, I decided to give free hugs on Thursday, the 14th.  I know people might think it was for them - but really it was a win-win.  What a stress reliever and booster to get hugs from hundreds of strangers with some repeats :)

I got a lot of really wonderful, positive feedback from that activity and just centered around that day in itself.  Some people are suspicious of anything free - even a hug I guess, but the overwhelming response that I got was "thank you" "do this more often," "you all are awesome," etc.  I love making people's day - getting a hug/knowing that someone, even a stranger is willing to reach out to you and give you that much needed physical contact is really something magical. 

There's been a lot of chatter about this new facebook page called "GMU Confessions." Most of them have no relevance to me and some are somewhat disturbing - the confessions, however there was one posted that day that really warmed my heart and exemplified why I give Free Hugs and why it's so important (image posted).  How fantastic!

It's great to hear, especially because I plan on doing this a lot more often - this semester on campus and off and will be even completing my Transformation and Consciousness in Action project around this campaign.  Thursday the 14th was a great day.  A coworker of mine who stopped by for a Free Hug and asked about the movement that is Free Hugs later texted me and said, "I don't know if I've ever said this, but you're one of the few good people I know." I felt very privileged to have such a wonderful day and be shown the goodness in people - young and old. A stranger who gave me a hug told me I restored her faith in humanity - that might be a stretch but it was appreciated on both ends, nonetheless.

Introducing my Yoga Pants to Yoga Class

February 7th was the first time I'd ever worn Yoga pants for their intended purpose, not to lounge around in.  I went to the late yoga session with Brandice in Piedmont and though I wasn't feeling well, I did enjoy myself and was impressed by my flexibility despite not having done yoga or Pilate's in a very long time.  I was surprised by how quickly the time passed, too.  I was glad I made what felt like a leap, and went to yoga.  I was not unable to go the following week - February 14th, but hope to go back again.  I feel like my background in meditation practice and the courses I've taken thus far made it easier to concentrate during the quiet times and the exiting exercise.  It was nice trying an alternative form of exercise and mindfulness practice than what I'm used to during the regular semester.

Playing Catch-Up (Feb 10 - 17)

Hey! Here's the blog, whoops.

So here's my recap:

At the end of the course I decided I would implement practices that would allow for creative activity (painting, singing, art of some kind, playing ukulele, etc), physical activity (dancing, yoga, etc), and meditation each week.  Along with these, as a group we decided to have some mindful meals together.  So far I have done well keeping up with these, sometimes so much that I put off other activities, such as homework, which isn't good.  I'm still striving for balance in my everyday, trying to figure out how to regain the motivation I feel I have been lacking.  I'm not sure if there's been a shift in what's important in my life, what I feel is worth my time or if I'm truly just becoming lazy but it's really been a struggle to want to stay on top of my work this semester both for class and for work.  Despite this new care-free, laid back mode I've been in, I'm apparently stressed.  I say apparently, because of what I discovered last week.

For about two weeks, last Thursday, I had been feeling kind of off - first not sleeping well and being very restless.  Then my appetite was completely gone, to the point where some days I was literally eating less than one meal a day.  My stomach was the start of the whole issue and I thought it was just maybe a bug or something, but then the pain moved.  First it was in my lower back and then settled in my ribs and in my chest... great, I know.  It got so bad that I woke up this past Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning almost in tears and debating about going to the ER.  Of course, I looked online to see what the issue might be... Web MD explained I might have some gastro issues or a hernia or I was probably dying.  I decided it wasn't that bad, to put the heating pad on and try and get back to sleep.  Wednesday I was still feeling terrible and went to the Walk-In Medical Care in Fairfax, accompanied by my gracious suitemate who was there for moral support and the possibility that I might need a hand to hold.  I told Constantine - my doctor, all about my pain.  He asked me what stresses me out... I didn't understand why he was asking, it seemed like a random, casual question to ask when a patient was describing potentially life-threatening symptoms (in my mind).  I asked for clarification and told him, I don't know, at the moment this pain is really stressing me out.  I then remembered to tell him about the tightness in my chest and the strain on my breathing that happens occasionally.  After saying that he said, well I ask because that's what you're showing symptoms of - stress.  When I told him about my chest pain, that apparently solidified it for him and made it 100%, "not 99%" clear that I was stressed.  The place my pain had settled was not directly near any organs and was a common place for stress pain to occur.  Of course then I felt like a nut case.  He asked me again what I was stressed about and I didn't have an answer.  My roommate chimed in - school? graduation? And then Constantine and my roommate started chatting about my possible stressors - I just sat there and listened.  I told him about my lack of sleep and restlessness, he said there must be something I wasn't addressing that was keeping me up.  He wrote me a prescription but made it clear that this was only a temporary fix and that I would need to do some work in figuring out how to relax.  I felt a little like a failure, that's my minor for goodness sakes.   And if I didn't even know I was stressed... doesn't that mean I'm completely out of tune with myself.  When I got to the car with my suitemate she asked me about a couple more possibilities but I said I didn't think so.  I started zoning out in the car on the drive back and she must have noticed my worried look because she knew then and there that I was now not only stressed - but stressed about being stressed.

Since then the pain has pretty much subsided, but I don't feel I've done any soul searching or anything different than what I was doing.  I have patched up some things with a friend whose lingering/persisting conflicts had been bothering me - but that was a few days before the doctor visit.  I feel like maybe there are things that haven't come into my consciousness that could possibly be really stressing me out or tormenting my unconscious - but I just don't know what.  I also feel like maybe in some weird paradoxical way my lack of motivation and care-freeness is actually a cause of this stress.  The fact that I'm letting things pile up and I'm not necessarily being overly responsible with things might be something that's mentally piling up, too. So, there's work to be done.

Saturday was my birthday and in morning my roommates and I walked to the basketball court down the trail to hula hoop and play horse (but we play elephant). haha So far this semester the practice that has been the most influential to me has been hula hooping for 30 minutes at least 4 times a week! I find that once I initially made space for this practice I have been able to make even more time for hula hooping in my daily life. We must have been outside in the cold for at least 2 or 3 hours having a blast! It has also really been helping me to stay active and not be too lazy.  I have a terrible habit of becoming a lazy hermit in the winter but making the effort to hoop boosts my energy and confidence and I find that I either want to do more active things, hoop longer or be more social after.  It is really a positive practice for me and I can see drastic changes in my life that I think are coming out of this practice!

Week 3-4

As I mentioned before, one of my practices for this semester is reading Bible five times in a week. I still need to kindly remind myself consciously since it has not become my habit. At first, having a quiet time seemed impossible for me because I am a big “go-go-go” person. However, as I remember my commitment for the semester, I started to increase the number of quiet time throughout the week. Again, I realized that working alone is much harder than working as a group. Therefore, I decided to join Bible Study group. There are six people in the group and we meet every Wednesday night. It is a good opportunity for me since it requires reading specific part of the Bible each and every week as a group. I wish this would help me.

Hubbubs & Hullabaloos

So it has been really tough to focus on my practices. Since my grandparents arrived it has been really distracting with all the noises and commotion with family and company over for dinner. I feel I can’t get any of my assignments done and everything is last minute because we have company over almost every night. So I feel stressed out but I don’t stay on campus to do my homework for my classes because I am tired, but I can’t get anything done at home unless I isolate myself and still it’s difficult to get it done. So I haven’t been feeling relaxed or focused…more burnt out.   And being a bit sick has also made it difficult too.  but I have realized that if I do a breathing meditation or the “Stop, Drop, Breath” practice, in the morning when I wake up and its quiet in the house it helps me get to a good start of the day; where I feel energized yet relaxed. So this breathing mediation or the “Stop, Drop, Breath” practice might be something I continue to do in the mornings until I can focus again.  

Arrival

This past week my grandparents are here to visit from Turkey. It is the first time I have seen them since I was 17 so was kind of cool to have seen them grow since the last time I saw them. And in my family when someone is visiting from Turkey everyone comes to see them. So since late January I have had event after event at the house. There was my Dad’s Birthday ….my grandparents arrived on his birthday, and my aunt  got engaged. So we have had family and friends come over to the house for dinner since the beginning of February and the atmosphere is  warm, hospitable, and full of food. I have never seen the fridge so full with dishes made from the oven. Even if we send leftovers home with everyone we still have leftovers. But all in all its been great to spend time with family and have dinners over the past weeks. So its been difficult to be mindful of my eating because there is so much good food but we have also had cakes for desert and end the night with tea or coffee. I am really enjoying the family dinners, bonding with my family and having awareness of the aroma from the food and my sweet tooth. It's all good! 

Mindful moment

This past Sunday I drove home to spend time with my family because it was my Moms birthday! I had a great time there but the story I want to tell comes after I left home on Monday afternoon to drive back to my house in Burke.  As I drove down the familiar roads I didn’t really realize how much brain chatter I had going on.  I thought about my plans for the week, my sister, my homework, things that happened in the past, I thought about so many things.  It took something absolutely breathtaking to snap me back to reality and realize the gifts of the present moment that I am able to ignore so effectively sometimes.  The sunset directly behind my car had the entire half of the sky vibrant oranges and pinks, while the sky directly in front of me was all blue and clouds.  I was so moved by the beauty of the sky behind me that I couldn’t keep my eyes off the rear-view mirror, except to look out the side mirror and see the orange reflection covering my black car.  I ended up pulling into a parking lot so that I could pause to have a mindful moment.  I had been in such a hurry to get home yet 10 minutes of stillness with the beauty that would have been behind me the entire time I drove changed my entire mood.  It was inspiring and quieted my mental chatter.  The sunset didn’t last long and soon I was driving home in the dark.  I am so glad I stopped to enjoy that moment though and I think I have become a lot more aware of these opportunities for mindful moments throughout my days.

Creative Hooping

Hooping 5 days a week as my practice has been an awesome experience and I have really seen improvement in myself since the begining of the semester! It is so exiting to me to make progress and I find myself showing off my new tricks to anyone whos interested! haha I am taking Beats Rhythm and Culture, the Hip-Hop culture class in NCLC and we have focused a lot of attention on b-boying, or break dancing.  My homework of watching crews and individuals dance their hearts out.  I have been really interested in and even inspired by b-boying style, the standing 'Top-rock' moves like popping, locking and tap dancing; the 'down-rock' acrobatic moves; the impressive and fast power moves; and the freezes the emphasize parts or give a dramatic ending to a dance.  I have found that the learning that I have done in the class and the dramatic and influential dances we have watched has made space for me to get a lot more creative with my hooping! This desire to try new things and bring a new edge to hula hooping combined with my dedication to practice almost every day has really changed me as an artist(or I guess hooper)... and I am working on many new tricks that have a unique style that I think will make this hobby one that is even more influential to my life.

Nothing like a good ole affirmation

I was going to write about how great my hula hooping has been going, but I decided that I would focus on one of my other practices since I did that one last! I have been doing morning affirmations for myself every day when I wake up.  After I feed my cat and am in the stillness of my house in the morning, I sit on my floor or even my bed and go through my affirmation.  It usually sounds something like lovingkindness meditation as I reflect on the on the good in my life.  I am strong. I am fun. I am happy. I am motivated. I am conscious. I am good. May I stay and also be more of all of these things and let these qualities be known throughout my day.  I have found that this really starts my day off right.  If I am tired or something is going on, after the affirmation I have been more positive.  I think its effects are trickling into other parts of my life as well, and I find myself being a lot more aware of what are the good qualities apparent in myself and how I can better use them to improve my life.  Every day since the class has ended I have been doing morning affirmations and I am so glad that I chose it to be one of my practices! I think it will benefit me greatly and keep me focused this hectic semester.

Hoopity Doop

5 out of 7 days of this past week I managed to devote 1 hour every day to hula hooping! It has been so awesome. I love to hoop so much but for some reason I have not been doing it alot lately... It could be the cold weather but I am able to hoop in my basement so I really have no excuses and I should NEVER be bored. haha In only 5 hours of hooping I have mastered a new trick where I hoop to the right (which is the opposite direction that I am used to) down to my knees, take my left leg out, and then use it to switch the hula hoop the other direction so that I am able to gain control and bring it back up to my hips! I am so proud! Ive shown everyone that comes to my house and all my roomates! Its so rewarding to spend time with something and have that time really prosper and give back to you! Last week I could barely hoop the opposite direction, and now I have an awesome trick that requires it! Its also nice to be able to do something that I really enjoy without worrying about all of the schoolwork I have to do... Thats why I have enjoyed these classes so much I think, they require me to focus on myself and do what makes me happy! Its crazy to me that it is so hard for me to do that sometimes, when it feels like that should be the most important thing... I miss you all! When can we do our first dinner?! =)

My plan for the semester

My plan for the semester:

At least five days a week, I will read the Bible and pray.

At least two days a week I will exercise.
     - 120~150minutes/week
At least one day a week, I will give myself a reward.
     - Ex. watching movie, going to a concert, etc.

Ten points for Gryffindor!

Before taking this course, I was not really sure what to expect. After completing the five days, I would honestly have to say that it really changed my life. I got to meet an exceptional group of students as well as professors.

                In all honesty, I did not believe that there was anything wrong with me and that I had a good understanding of myself. After doing the activities such as the “asking for forgiveness,” it opened up another part inside of me spiritually that I was not aware of before. After forgiving myself and the people in my past, I felt a sense of relief and genuine happiness. I can’t really describe it but it definitely feels different.  It’s not that I was not a happy person before. It wasn’t genuine because even though I may have seemed happy, I walked around with a negative energy field. I was not aware of the negative energy but friends and family definitely noticed it. Once I let go of the past and forgave, I was able to release the change the negative energy to a more positive one. As a result of this change, I started to see results immediately. I can express myself more genuinely to people and feel connected to everyone on a spiritual level.

……………..okay. Now back to reality.

The past two weeks have been amazing. I incorporated dancing as a normal part of my meditation routine. Every time I hear music, it makes me want to dance. I’ve danced while driving on a couple of occasions….. (Not a good idea if you are on the road during rush hour). I’ve danced while working out at the gym...… (Very subtly though…not to attract a lot of attention). I’ve been doing morning and evening self affirmations and daily breathing meditations.

Other meditations I’ve tried:

-Smiling more often.
- Yoga (stretching after workouts).
-Chakra breathing

I hope everyone else is doing well with their own meditation practices. Hope to see everyone soon!
***When are we having dinner???