Prior to Spring Break I was sick for a good week and a half. I ultimately ended up going to the doctor when I didn't get any better and it was confirmed that I had the flu... you're welcome those of you in Mark's Wednesday class, for not going. I believe I caught it from someone else who literally "stopped by for a visit" to one of my meetings the week before.
I think my immune system must have been down to catch it that easily, but who knows. Anyway, after visiting with the doctor and getting some meds I started feeling better. Now I'm back on the "playing catch-up" grind, though. (Story of my life - this semester)
Having been stuck inside with the flu for almost 2 weeks and then stuck on campus for Spring Break duty, I was really limited in accomplishing assignments that require anything out of the ordinary. Though I did try doing some work from bed, my brain just felt fried.
Before I got to go home for the last 4 days of break I was able to go through some of my stuff and pack away some things I planned to take home. Being sick, things just started piling up, literally and figuratively; so de-cluttering the physical stuff a bit has helped with my stress management some. I still feel like I will be returning to school with a laundry list of tasks to accomplish - makeup assignments, missed modules, DC field trip papers, etc. I asked for an extension on an assignment for the first time ever today. I don't know whether to be disappointed in myself for having to ask or proud for actually asking for help for the first time ever...
I have been home in VB for the past 4 days and will be heading back to Fairfax today, hopefully avoiding the snow. Over this time I have had a chance to relax, do some organizing and de-cluttering of things in my closet and was able to get rid of a lot of things. As of yesterday I was feeling more grounded and ready to go back to school to get things done. Now that it's Monday I'm feeling less enthused.
My real life realization that I've had recently is that maybe I'm avoiding. I sometimes avoid conflict or avoid feeling or talking about things in conflict, and now I'm starting to think maybe I've been avoiding things in school that are contributing to my stress issue. When I was diagnosed with stress earlier in the month, I felt very caught off guard. What I think has happened now is that I have been putting things off, avoiding work and responsibilities - in a "care free" manner, but in reality I have been allowing things to pile up in my consciousness. I know they are there, I know they need to get done, but I put them off or avoid them all together. I keep thinking, I'm going to graduate in 2 months, what does it matter... But the reality of the situation is that maybe I won't** graduate in 2 months if I don't do my work and pass my courses. Recently when my dad asked me about school I said things were ok and his response had been - if you need to take an extra year or something to finish, that's ok, too. I laughed at the time at what I thought was a ridiculous suggestion. Why would I need an extra year and why would that even be an option?
Talking to him today about my realizations he explained that he felt like maybe I was stressing about graduation and leaving school and moving on. He felt like maybe I didn't feel ready and if that was the case then maybe getting out of school wasn't the right thing. How parents know this stuff is beyond me...
Talking to other people planning to graduate in May, I have found a trend among us. People are lacking motivation, lacking focus, feel "unexplainably" stressed, etc. The thought then is maybe avoiding and procrastinating is really an attempt to prolong the moving on process or graduation. This self-sabotage might come as a shock in the end, but all the pieces point in that direction.
I don't want it to be this way. I had really wanted to be stress-free and mindful this semester - my last semester in undergrad. I wanted to enjoy the rest of my time and savor the aspects of undergrad I will be missing, but that hasn't been the case. I have been doing a whole lot of nothing and stressing the whole time. I have done very little of what I have wanted or planned to and now I've got 2 months left.
The practices I have been implementing have helped some, but what I have found is that I'm using some of the practices to avoid even more and therefore the practices are making me more stressed. Before I went to the doctor for my stress pains I went to yoga which was meant to relax and de-stress. I felt stressed while I was there, thinking about all the things I was missing while I was there, or all the things I needed to do later. I felt like I was able to focus on my breath while I was there and was able to quiet my thoughts, but when I left the pain was more pronounced. The pain itself, ironically was stressing me out at some point too. (a very vicious cycle)
Meditation has helped, especially those that focus on motivation and accomplishments. I will continue this week to declutter my physical and mental space. I want to try working without a To Do List for a while. I'm not sure how this will fair, but I find myself writing obsessive lists that detail all the work I might ever have to do. Then I write almost identical lists, outlining what I hope to accomplish that specific day. What usually ends up happening is me feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work in front of me and then I do none of it. The book from Mark's class that touched on Action Steps was interesting and showed me a lot of things I might have been doing wrong in trying to accomplish tasks. It highlighted that methods have to be consistent, too. For now I'm going to try no list, before I try and implement a new system of lists.
I have been doing weekly physical activity, which I will continue to do this week. I think I will attempt working without a To Do List but will try and schedule my time more mindfully and avoid having an open ended schedule that allows for a lot of down time - time to do nothing. I will schedule in some time to not work, but I think maybe my lack of schedule on days when I don't have class has really messed me up.
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